This is part of the comments and discussion we had on Quora lately when one of my answers on relationship started getting noticed. I am copying all her comments without modifying, so you can get original thoughts in comprehensive manner.
My generation, those who married 20+ years ago, actually have been shown to divide household duties more equitably than the current generation of young couples.
So, just in this one small way, we see that what is perceived by others can be very different from what is beneath the surface. When harmful behavior and attitudes are hidden, it can be very harmful, especially when it leads to people denying a problem even exists.
There is often much misunderstanding between cultures, because people--while very different in how they express themselves on the surface--may be much the same underneath. Diversity is part of what makes people so interesting, but human nature seems to come in a fairly consistent mix of good and bad. They just find expression in different ways.
The area of the U.S. in which I live is known for its tight-knit communities and close family connections. Except for cases when there has been abuse or trauma, people tend to stay very close to their parents and grandparents and of course their cousins and uncles. But we are still American, so independence is highly valued as well. I know that some Indians cannot understand how someone can leave home at 18, work to put themselves through college, and struggle to establish themselves in a career on their own--don't our parents love us? And, too, the fact that our parents don't often come to live with us, even when old--don't we love our parents? Now that is obviously not the way it works for everyone--it is increasingly more common for young adults to live with their parents after finishing high school, especially, and many people do move in with their children if they start to become frail. But most families do not want to live together like that. Struggling on one's own as a young adult is traditionally seen as a rite of passage, and many older adults prefer to move into a retirement community than to live with their children and grandchildren. Parents who are comfortable financially often contribute to their childrens' education; adult children who can afford to often help their parents with expenses and chores. But people overall are not expected to establish a career or have a good invome before getting married and/or raising a family, so couples often marry much younger than they do in India, and even in other parts of the United States. We do have, for the time being, a workable system of benefits for senior citizens, and people who did not have to invest heavily into their childrens' education may have plenty of money set aside for a comfortable retirement.
I suppose the best way to describe it is that, by and large, people here do not want anyone to do for them what they can do for themselves. That does not mean that people don't help one another, especially families, merely that it is not expected. My mother lives alone in a town not to far from me. Although she and I are not particularly close (which is unusual enough that few of my friends and acquaintances understand it), she is quite close to my youngest sister. They visit one another at least two to three times a week; my mother often babysit my nieces, my brother-in-law mows my mother's yard, etc. A nephew of mine is often doing outdoor chores for my mother. But the thing is, to my mother this issue preferable to living with any of her children. I sometimes suggest that she consider selling her house and property and moving in town near to us, as I know her property and house are a lot of work for her, but she will probably stay there, living alone, until she is no longer able to.
I can well understand how difficult it must be to change a system wherein the older generation is dependent upon the younger. Particularly if you have the burden of providing for your parents while also trying to minimize future dependence upon your own children. And I know that in situations like that, the greatest part of the burden often falls upon women.
I suppose the best way to describe it is that, by and large, people here do not want anyone to do for them what they can do for themselves. That does not mean that people don't help one another, especially families, merely that it is not expected. My mother lives alone in a town not to far from me. Although she and I are not particularly close (which is unusual enough that few of my friends and acquaintances understand it), she is quite close to my youngest sister. They visit one another at least two to three times a week; my mother often babysit my nieces, my brother-in-law mows my mother's yard, etc. A nephew of mine is often doing outdoor chores for my mother. But the thing is, to my mother this issue preferable to living with any of her children. I sometimes suggest that she consider selling her house and property and moving in town near to us, as I know her property and house are a lot of work for her, but she will probably stay there, living alone, until she is no longer able to.
I can well understand how difficult it must be to change a system wherein the older generation is dependent upon the younger. Particularly if you have the burden of providing for your parents while also trying to minimize future dependence upon your own children. And I know that in situations like that, the greatest part of the burden often falls upon women.
Of course all families are different, but the farther South you go and the farther you get from large cities, the more tightly-knit families tend to become. I have much respect for Indian family structure and in some ways I think that I relate better to the sense of family responsibility than I do to some of my more Northern friends in America. We are a pretty diverse lot.
One very sad thing about American television and movies is that because it is so focused on portraying young, pretty people, the older generation is often left out, and it gives the impression that there are no close families in this country. People do not always live close to one another, but--while we may not be close in the same way--I think in our hearts there is still much the same feeling of family obligation and care, that kind of complex mix of wanting to honor your parents and wanting to be true to yourself. It is perhaps less obvious.
Around here we always joke that if you come to visit, people will always try to feed you, and once you've eaten together at the same table, you're probably going to be considered a little like family. In our community, when someone has a death in their family, people cook for them, and come to their home to do chores, and bring them tissues. In other places in America, this behavior might seem intrusive, but here people have very strong connections to one another."
One very sad thing about American television and movies is that because it is so focused on portraying young, pretty people, the older generation is often left out, and it gives the impression that there are no close families in this country. People do not always live close to one another, but--while we may not be close in the same way--I think in our hearts there is still much the same feeling of family obligation and care, that kind of complex mix of wanting to honor your parents and wanting to be true to yourself. It is perhaps less obvious.
Around here we always joke that if you come to visit, people will always try to feed you, and once you've eaten together at the same table, you're probably going to be considered a little like family. In our community, when someone has a death in their family, people cook for them, and come to their home to do chores, and bring them tissues. In other places in America, this behavior might seem intrusive, but here people have very strong connections to one another."
written by - Rebecca Billy
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