A life of NRI (non resident Indian) spouse: Opportunities and Challenges

This blog I wrote after I watched Tanu Weds Manu Returns....the movie projected a lonely life of lady who married to NRI so realistically...

Living in London or New York or Sydney isn't all that rosy or what you see in the movie....NRIs, especially their spouses face lonely life abroad which is a fact unfortunately. Many women find it difficult especially those who grew up in joint family system or large friends circle or busy social life in India...

All that glitter is not gold...the life outside India is full of uncertainty as jobs, visa and lack of supports makes it more stressful. During initial days, most have to go through visa hassles and obtaining their permanent residency status that may take up to 7-10 years depends on the country they live in and the category of labor applications.

So the key is - how to cope up with lonely life during initial days of marriage when you have not started your family. Here are few tips for you to make it better and brighter –

Professional Education: If you wish to pursue your career and you need specialized or professional education, you can plan for the same. It would be best investment at early stage to jumpstart to your professional career. This planning must be done before you plan for your kid(s) as it would be extremely difficult, but not impossible to continue with additional responsibilities. A dependent spouse can study part time in university by taking 6 credit hours (2 classes) per semester without having to change the visa in most countries. If you could take average 6-7 classes in 4 semester, you can complete your master’s degree within two years.

Take up a Job: If the local government permits you to work, you can take up a job. The most common website for this is 'indeed.com'. All you need to do it is - enter job/role and location, it will fetch the data from relevant websites and compile the results for you. You can register for the job alerts using by providing by signing up on indeed.

Increase Your Social Life: This is bit tricky as bigger social life may not always result into happiness, so try and find like minded friends to form an active social circle.  The easy way to do is to become a member of Facebook group, meet-up group or what’s up group to find your interest group with whom you can meet occasionally to socialize for different reasons.

Craigslist is quite popular in USA for finding activity partners...

Most of the major cities in the world have Indian diaspora that arranges festival or gathering on Diwali, Navratri, Durga Puja, Holi and so on...

Holy Celebration on Hong Kong Beach

Hobby: If you are not serious about your career or wish to start something different, try to check if you can get back to your hobby that you always wanted to pursue. It will keep you busy and happy. If you are really passionate about it, you can earn money through your hobby by selling your creations such as knitwear, pottery, paintings and freelance writing.

Another form of hobbies are attending paining exhibitions, operas and concerts in your city. 

Taiwan Eye, famous Opera Theater in Taiwan

Activity: The adventurous activities not only help you to boost your mood, but also help you stay fit. There are many social clubs or meetup groups or Facebook groups who arrange hiking, trekking, surfing or sailings. You need not worry about buying a boat as you can hire it at reasonable cost.

The types of activities are barbecues parties over the weekend with friends and family...

Most of these activities are suitable for kids. You may involve and introduce these activities to your kids at early age to generate an interest. This would be nice way to connect family members well over the weekends. 

Famous Treks in Hong Kong

Barbecue over the weekend in Tai Tam Dam

Internet TV: First thing you need to do is check if your TV package is 'good' for you. Nothing can substitute TV programs to fill-in your time. There are many internet TV service providers who offer annual subscription at competitive price. They include Indian as well as global TV channels. Most of these TV channels have 'movies' sections that offer excellent collections.

You can complement that with google or other internet shopping for movies and other things...

Reading: Most of the cities have city library for free or membership in affordable cost. You can spend time, to read, to discuss the topics or to make friends something that makes you happy...or join reading club to keep yourself content.

Connecting with your family: These days international calls are cheaper or free due to 'what's up' and free skype, but, remember that not everyone in India is free to chat endlessly over the phone as they too have their own life/commitments...so don't be offended if your friends or family members are not available to chat with you.

Social Work: There are plenty of social or community work options available. You can volunteer to keep yourself occupied in meaningful way. Many communities have annual program planned and mentioned in their office. Sometime you may not be able participate on regular basis. You can check them out as it would provide you an option to regular participations. 

Hanuman Carnival - Community program in Hong Kong

Spouse and his role: You can’t bother your bother for your loneliness as he/she would be much more stressed with job and visa related issues...allow your spouse to work/live peacefully... 

There could be more on your plate at home in absence of maid or helper as you may have to do the daily chores. You may be able to hire part time or weekend basis in US, UK or Australia, but their services are very expensive, except in Hong Kong, Singapore and middle east...where you have an option for live-in helpers at affordable cost. 

So, be prepared to face all the reality abroad and create your own world...Life is what you make it. 

Karva Chauth: An Expression of Unconditional Love...

Karva Chuth is celebrated primarily in Northwestern Indian states on 4th day of the dark-fortnight in Kartik (Oct/Nov). The practice flourished with married women praying for their husbands' prosperity, wellbeing and long life. The women whose husband served in military would pray for their safe return from war-front and the one whose husband worked or owned farm prayed for prosperity and good harvest during this time.

Karva Chauth celebration
Pic Courtesy: Taru Bhargva

This was also an opportunity for married women to get together with their friends and celebrate...a much needed break from their daily routine to indulge in seeking some pampering, some attention, and some love from their family members.

The basis of celebration is love and sacrifice with few rituals that remained almost unchanged over few centuries. It gained popularity in recent years after Bollywood movies promoted and projected it as symbol of love. However, it didn't appeal to few who considered to be self-proclaimed intellectual and liberal having leftist ideology... or ultra feminist and they always looked down on Hindu festivals and customs, and didn't miss any opportunity to criticize it in various forms and intensity. 

"For them, Done for father = patriarchy and Done for husband = misogyny" as nicely described by Narayan Ranganathan. They concept of family is I, me and myself or 'what is for me' in everything they do. Of course, they do not recognize the family as a unit. Women should just be by themselves, for themselves and of themselves.

Although this tribe is much smaller in comparison with rest of the populations, but, they are influential as their views usual get bigger (and undeserved) platforms to present their mediocre views and logic to make the point on most occasions...

Otherwise, majority of population love it and follow it blindly. They also love to show off their customs, their love for their spouse and of course, their beauty... :)

Karva Chauth in Hong Kong 

Pic Courtesy: Taru Bhargva 

Let me take you through few negative barbs created yesterday, otherwise the festival was well receive and celebrated among most women. It in fact went hi-tech as few could use modern tools and techniques such as mobile app for process of puja or mobile for representing / recreating sieve to see moon through. :)

While opposing the festival in bitter manner, Ms Sonia Chopra wrote in her article, "Some of view modern women have expressed will astonish you and let you think of what the knowledge age done to us...

It's a backward, regressive custom, steeped in superstition and showmanship. Who has the better sari? Better thalis? Better food? Better music for the celebration?

It's a meaningless traditional ritual that enslaves women and chains them to a myth of them being docile, meek, sacrificial tokens to pacify the angry God, who will grant longer lives to those husbands whose wives do not eat for a few hours." 

http://www.dailyo.in/…/karva-chauth-fasts…/story/1/7049.html

In contrast to the harsh comments, there was some milder and funny expression from Mrs Funnybones aka Twinkle Khanna who twitted, "That is a possibility-so I checked longevity records-100 countries where men without anyone fasting for them live longer than Indian men:)"

Ms Rita Banerji, self proclaimed feminist mentioned in her article written through an extremely narrow band, "Today millions of Hindu women, and girls, in India and around the world, will proudly perpetuate a festival whose fundamental tenet is misogynistic."

She further wrote in frustration, "Yet what perhaps is more amazing is the great excitement with which women -- even modern, educated, professional women -- continue to embrace this festival! It has become a fashion statement for celebrities, with Bollywood actors sending out Karva Chauth wishes via social media and female politicians announcing their fasts for their husbands!

Twenty-first-century India's media and gizmo crazy market is happily promoting this misogyny. "

http://www.huffingtonpost.in/…/karva-chauth-a-womanly-cele…/

One middle aged lady commented on my friends Facebook wall - 'Two things Karva Chauth most often portrays- One, a woman’s life is incomplete (or even miserable) without a husband so let’s pray we remain “sada suhaagan” because man is the savior and all that. Second, it also reveals a certain smugness amongst married women as they go about adorning themselves with symbols of ‘suhaag’, which doesn’t play well if you are around them and NOT married! I remember my time when I was ‘of age’ and not yet ‘taken’…oh God I used to hate the display of “being married, so being superior” attitude. 

"But now, 18 year of married life, this day is just one more occasion to break the monotony of routine and dress up and party when the moon comes out. A more attentive and pampering husband is welcome any day!!' Although she loved the idea of pampering on the day, but hated the concept of fasting for the husband. So, she was fine being regressive as long as she could hog all the attention."

In reply to her hypocrisy, her friends pointed out categorically, 'You make an interesting point. But don't you think that the same thing you experienced 18 years ago when you were 'of age but not taken' continues today? Don't you think that we are promoting regressive values even as we dress up and party innocently?"

One of my modern professional friends tried to balance her views with her post, "This day will soon be like father's or mother's day to take moments out for festivity. Many people have already left fasting and many like me don't even listen to the traditional "scary" story (of Beera) during the mandatory evening puja. As always, tradition will get a different hue with changing times."

Most of them never wrote about domestic violence in the west, husband's abandoning their families/duties for green pasture (younger women) and leaving their wives behind with the kids to fend themselves alone and many other serious issues in the marriage....leave apart raising their voice against the atrocities in Islam where women are living in under extreme conditions...The love is universal and family concept is universal that you will see through literature across the globe. Otherwise Nicolas Sparks style romance wouldn't have been popular in the West. 

What they have not realized is, women in west had to fight for their rights for centuries, in our country we had not faced such things. After independence all women had equal right in voting, politics, education, profession or civil laws...whoever could use the opportunity could succeed well in their chosen profession, otherwise we wouldn't see most women leaders in their 50s leading banks in India...so, they could manage the struggle to make their ways to the top... South Asian countries have seen women leading the nation, which was not easy in West and, of course, unimaginable in middle east.

Most of these women who criticized would never question the celebration of Valentines Day or Christmas or Ramadan fasting.

If we ever ask priests, doctors, army officers, airport officials and many who witness women (and men as well) saying goodbyes and praying for their spouse for their long life, wellbeing and happiness...it would be an interesting research....If the hospital or airport lounge wall could hear these feelings, one would understand the meaning and intensity of these prayers and selfless love. So, what is difference between praying for spouse in hospital / temple / church and praying for them at home every year? What is so regressive about it?Why do we need to justify our way of expression of love for spouse and family?

Do we need to create a narrow definition of love propagated and projected by ultra feminists? Don't we celebrate our love for parents, husband, wife, brother, and sisters...it is our culture, right?

I think, these kinds of celebration are neither the sign of regressive or oppressive, it is sign of clarity of our thoughts, our intentions, and our way of expressing our love...

Women's Life in America: by Rebecca Billy

This is part of the comments and discussion we had on Quora lately when one of my answers on relationship started getting noticed. I am copying all her comments without modifying, so you can get original thoughts in comprehensive manner. 

"Studies done in the U.S. quite recently have shown that, despite people's expectations for marriage (i.e., that childrearing and household chores will be split equitably), after marriage, it is much the same as it used to be, and women are bearing the brunt of these chores. This is mostly the case among younger people, actually, despite the fact that they are perceived a being more outspoken about equality of the sexes.

My generation, those who married 20+ years ago, actually have been shown to divide household duties more equitably than the current generation of young couples.

So, just in this one small way, we see that what is perceived by others can be very different from what is beneath the surface. When harmful behavior and attitudes are hidden, it can be very harmful, especially when it leads to people denying a problem even exists.

There is often much misunderstanding between cultures, because people--while very different in how they express themselves on the surface--may be much the same underneath. Diversity is part of what makes people so interesting, but human nature seems to come in a fairly consistent mix of good and bad. They just find expression in different ways.

The area of the U.S. in which I live is known for its tight-knit communities and close family connections. Except for cases when there has been abuse or trauma, people tend to stay very close to their parents and grandparents and of course their cousins and uncles. But we are still American, so independence is highly valued as well. I know that some Indians cannot understand how someone can leave home at 18, work to put themselves through college, and struggle to establish themselves in a career on their own--don't our parents love us? And, too, the fact that our parents don't often come to live with us, even when old--don't we love our parents? Now that is obviously not the way it works for everyone--it is increasingly more common for young adults to live with their parents after finishing high school, especially, and many people do move in with their children if they start to become frail. But most families do not want to live together like that. Struggling on one's own as a young adult is traditionally seen as a rite of passage, and many older adults prefer to move into a retirement community than to live with their children and grandchildren. Parents who are comfortable financially often contribute to their childrens' education; adult children who can afford to often help their parents with expenses and chores. But people overall are not expected to establish a career or have a good invome before getting married and/or raising a family, so couples often marry much younger than they do in India, and even in other parts of the United States. We do have, for the time being, a workable system of benefits for senior citizens, and people who did not have to invest heavily into their childrens' education may have plenty of money set aside for a comfortable retirement.

I suppose the best way to describe it is that, by and large, people here do not want anyone to do for them what they can do for themselves. That does not mean that people don't help one another, especially families, merely that it is not expected. My mother lives alone in a town not to far from me. Although she and I are not particularly close (which is unusual enough that few of my friends and acquaintances understand it), she is quite close to my youngest sister. They visit one another at least two to three times a week; my mother often babysit my nieces, my brother-in-law mows my mother's yard, etc. A nephew of mine is often doing outdoor chores for my mother. But the thing is, to my mother this issue preferable to living with any of her children. I sometimes suggest that she consider selling her house and property and moving in town near to us, as I know her property and house are a lot of work for her, but she will probably stay there, living alone, until she is no longer able to.

I can well understand how difficult it must be to change a system wherein the older generation is dependent upon the younger. Particularly if you have the burden of providing for your parents while also trying to minimize future dependence upon your own children. And I know that in situations like that, the greatest part of the burden often falls upon women.

Of course all families are different, but the farther South you go and the farther you get from large cities, the more tightly-knit families tend to become. I have much respect for Indian family structure and in some ways I think that I relate better to the sense of family responsibility than I do to some of my more Northern friends in America. We are a pretty diverse lot.

One very sad thing about American television and movies is that because it is so focused on portraying young, pretty people, the older generation is often left out, and it gives the impression that there are no close families in this country. People do not always live close to one another, but--while we may not be close in the same way--I think in our hearts there is still much the same feeling of family obligation and care, that kind of complex mix of wanting to honor your parents and wanting to be true to yourself. It is perhaps less obvious.

Around here we always joke that if you come to visit, people will always try to feed you, and once you've eaten together at the same table, you're probably going to be considered a little like family. In our community, when someone has a death in their family, people cook for them, and come to their home to do chores, and bring them tissues. In other places in America, this behavior might seem intrusive, but here people have very strong connections to one another."

written by - Rebecca Billy

Second Spring - READER’S MOMENT

This is copied from Ankita Chauhan's Blog

• Love in Life is never a battle of 'win' or 'loss' but a journey of unconditional acceptance.” 
• Love has a tendency to go out of the window when promises go awry, reality sets in, and responsibilities take over.
• Women are emotional and proud creatures. They need to be respected and cherished in a relationship or else things don’t work out. 
• Life comes with no guarantees. Who knows whether the next day’s sun will dawn at all? Best to savor everything right now. 
• I loved the anonymity that a mega city brought to my life. Nobody cared who you were or what you did, you were just a speck in the crowd. 
• Loving someone selflessly would mean praying for his or her happiness whether you are part of that happiness or not.
• If you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt. Once we cross the deepest part of hurt, it doesn’t hurt anymore. You become part of the eternal journey of love… no hurt, no worries, and one just prays for the wellbeing of other person —that’s true love for you. Innumerable poets and philosophers throughout history have tried to figure it out— partially or incompletely. Love is a destined journey. 
• Perfect maturity is to understand why your loved one did what they did, although their actions hurt you, hurting them back is not an option. 

Overall, It’s an light hearted fiction, If you want to spend a beautiful weekend. Go For it.

http://soundingwords.blogspot.hk/2016/02/book-review-second-spring-by-sandhya.html

International Women's Day: Role, Responsibility and Realization

On this Women's Day, I salute my mother and all those other women who silently and selflessly work for the betterment of their families, and in effect the society. In their endeavour to help their spouses and kids, they often surrender their own identity. This, mind you, is one of the biggest sacrifices made by countless women across the globe.

Having said that, I am often reminded of a favourite topic from the 1980s and 1990s urban India: Women’s Lib.

A few days ago while again thinking about that subject, some questions criss-crossed my mind. In the name of that “liberation” (real or a derived one) are we actually losing out on something bigger? Doesn’t that freedom also entail a strong sense of “responsibility”? What about the larger consequences for the institutions of family and society?

These questions are tricky and their answers manifold.

Actually social changes are so tedious that sometime it takes decades before they even manifest themselves for better or for worse. Therefore, the latent benefits of traditional values are neither understood nor appreciated by most of us.

The “Hum do, humare do” (We two, ours two), or these days “We two ours, one” family culture, together with the economic independence achieved by women have added that strong sense of individualism to the modern society, especially in the urban scenario. Thus, making modern women (and men) feel oppressed when sharing home with their parents, in-laws or other elders of the family. These days, a joint family may just include parents of either spouse or both. For instance, in Mainland China, the government’s ‘One Child Policy’ has resulted in parents of both spouses often sharing a home together!

In India, lack of presence of elders at home is leading to depletion of age-old knowledge and wisdom among youngsters that has conventionally been passed one generation to the next. As a consequence, we have been very slow in realizing the value-based upbringing that present day kids have been missing out. In fact, tradition is actually the backbone that has kept our culture alive for centuries in the Indian family system.

Interestingly, compared to several other ancient civilizations, the Hindu civilization has managed to retain its continuity over the past several millenia. According to Indian politician and economist Subramanian Swamy, the Hindu civilization is among the 46 ancient civilizations listed by the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO). While 45 other civilizations have disappeared, the Hindu civilization is the only one that has survived. The traditional family system has played a key role in helping Hindus retain their culture and tradition despite 800 years of Islamic rule and 200 years of Christian rule under the British East India Company.

Some of us may like to argue about availability of plenty of knowledge in other different modes; but I personally feel that valuable time could be lost just trying to 'judge' the relevance of that information.

The impact is being felt not only in India, but most part of the globe. The Time magazine’s recent cover story ‘I, Me & Myself’ makes for an interesting read.

The young minds today are swayed by popular media that essentially promotes this 'I, me and myself' culture, which is neither good for individuals, families or the society; of course the same isn't good for a nation too. It only serves to foster an increased sense of greed and lack of empathy, which lead towards a highly materialistic yet empty lifestyle, with possibly negative impact on both personal and professional lives of individuals.

So is there is a real need for us to revisit traditional value systems, including the joint family, as they may have a hugely positive impact on youngsters. If such arrangement isn’t feasible, we can make up for that through simple acts such as celebrating festivals together or taking family vacations.

While letting go of that 'deceived sense of freedom', let us think of our children and their future so that they learn the basic value of life such as ethics, love and sacrifice, ultimately, learning to lead a contended and peaceful life.

It may sound somewhat primitive, but it doesn’t take a lot to ponder over the benefits of imbibing centuries old wisdom.