A life of NRI (non resident Indian) spouse: Opportunities and Challenges

This blog I wrote after I watched Tanu Weds Manu Returns....the movie projected a lonely life of lady who married to NRI so realistically...

Living in London or New York or Sydney isn't all that rosy or what you see in the movie....NRIs, especially their spouses face lonely life abroad which is a fact unfortunately. Many women find it difficult especially those who grew up in joint family system or large friends circle or busy social life in India...

All that glitter is not gold...the life outside India is full of uncertainty as jobs, visa and lack of supports makes it more stressful. During initial days, most have to go through visa hassles and obtaining their permanent residency status that may take up to 7-10 years depends on the country they live in and the category of labor applications.

So the key is - how to cope up with lonely life during initial days of marriage when you have not started your family. Here are few tips for you to make it better and brighter –

Professional Education: If you wish to pursue your career and you need specialized or professional education, you can plan for the same. It would be best investment at early stage to jumpstart to your professional career. This planning must be done before you plan for your kid(s) as it would be extremely difficult, but not impossible to continue with additional responsibilities. A dependent spouse can study part time in university by taking 6 credit hours (2 classes) per semester without having to change the visa in most countries. If you could take average 6-7 classes in 4 semester, you can complete your master’s degree within two years.

Take up a Job: If the local government permits you to work, you can take up a job. The most common website for this is 'indeed.com'. All you need to do it is - enter job/role and location, it will fetch the data from relevant websites and compile the results for you. You can register for the job alerts using by providing by signing up on indeed.

Increase Your Social Life: This is bit tricky as bigger social life may not always result into happiness, so try and find like minded friends to form an active social circle.  The easy way to do is to become a member of Facebook group, meet-up group or what’s up group to find your interest group with whom you can meet occasionally to socialize for different reasons.

Craigslist is quite popular in USA for finding activity partners...

Most of the major cities in the world have Indian diaspora that arranges festival or gathering on Diwali, Navratri, Durga Puja, Holi and so on...

Holy Celebration on Hong Kong Beach

Hobby: If you are not serious about your career or wish to start something different, try to check if you can get back to your hobby that you always wanted to pursue. It will keep you busy and happy. If you are really passionate about it, you can earn money through your hobby by selling your creations such as knitwear, pottery, paintings and freelance writing.

Another form of hobbies are attending paining exhibitions, operas and concerts in your city. 

Taiwan Eye, famous Opera Theater in Taiwan

Activity: The adventurous activities not only help you to boost your mood, but also help you stay fit. There are many social clubs or meetup groups or Facebook groups who arrange hiking, trekking, surfing or sailings. You need not worry about buying a boat as you can hire it at reasonable cost.

The types of activities are barbecues parties over the weekend with friends and family...

Most of these activities are suitable for kids. You may involve and introduce these activities to your kids at early age to generate an interest. This would be nice way to connect family members well over the weekends. 

Famous Treks in Hong Kong

Barbecue over the weekend in Tai Tam Dam

Internet TV: First thing you need to do is check if your TV package is 'good' for you. Nothing can substitute TV programs to fill-in your time. There are many internet TV service providers who offer annual subscription at competitive price. They include Indian as well as global TV channels. Most of these TV channels have 'movies' sections that offer excellent collections.

You can complement that with google or other internet shopping for movies and other things...

Reading: Most of the cities have city library for free or membership in affordable cost. You can spend time, to read, to discuss the topics or to make friends something that makes you happy...or join reading club to keep yourself content.

Connecting with your family: These days international calls are cheaper or free due to 'what's up' and free skype, but, remember that not everyone in India is free to chat endlessly over the phone as they too have their own life/commitments...so don't be offended if your friends or family members are not available to chat with you.

Social Work: There are plenty of social or community work options available. You can volunteer to keep yourself occupied in meaningful way. Many communities have annual program planned and mentioned in their office. Sometime you may not be able participate on regular basis. You can check them out as it would provide you an option to regular participations. 

Hanuman Carnival - Community program in Hong Kong

Spouse and his role: You can’t bother your bother for your loneliness as he/she would be much more stressed with job and visa related issues...allow your spouse to work/live peacefully... 

There could be more on your plate at home in absence of maid or helper as you may have to do the daily chores. You may be able to hire part time or weekend basis in US, UK or Australia, but their services are very expensive, except in Hong Kong, Singapore and middle east...where you have an option for live-in helpers at affordable cost. 

So, be prepared to face all the reality abroad and create your own world...Life is what you make it. 

Why Hindus visit temple?

I have been asked several times by my foreign  friends - Why Hindus visit temples?
After researching and talking to few experts, I found few reasons. Apart from spiritual need, people went to temple for social and scientific reasons.

Darshan: We visit temple for Darshana or see the 'sight' of the supreme lord. This helps the devotee to connect the god mentally and emotionally. It also help in concentrating fully with god and forgetting the rest of the universe around us. This 'Dhyana' or mediation creates vacuum in our continuous flow of thoughts that facilitate to attain peace.

Idol: God is humanized in the form of 'idol' that helps devotee to concentrate on an object. It gives a definite shape or form to our imaginary thoughts. In addition, every god or supreme power has certain characteristic to his/her personality and we ultimately wish to have them or improve in those area.

Rituals: Rituals in Hinduism are in different form. One set of rules are for temples and another for personal life. Temple rituals revolves around "pranpratishtha" or installing the idol of a deity in the temple with proper rituals of invoking god/goddess with sanskrit chanting, bathing the idol with milk, water, honey, clarified butter and yogurt (panchamrut i.e. 5 nectors or liquids), dressing up with cloth, flowers, ornaments, offering food and singing bhajan (devotional songs).

Every ritual invokes human 5 senses - touching(touching the deity), seeing(seeing the deity), tasting (panchamrut), smelling (flowers, camphor, and other things), hearing (the chanting, arti, bhanjan)...bring 'self' the present state or in temple completely.

On daily basis the worshiping is done in smaller scale to invoke and sleep the god in the form of idol. The same process is followed at home in much smaller scale.

There are other rituals in Hinduism are meant for social occasions such as marriage, and death and so on... this signifies the life and meaning we have for every part of the life and the way we accept and respect it. These rituals associated with the special occasions reminds us our duty or role or 'dharma' during that phase. Most of them are beneficial and scientifically  proven. For example, the silver toe rings are part of acupuncture  therapy that regulates uterus function in women and avoid diseases associated with. It also improve a sexual desire in women and therefore forbidden for unmarried  or widows to wear them.

Concept of Brahma: This concept remind us the value of I. I am Brahma. So do others. The temple may have one of more deities whom we worship or devote ourself with the concept of I am one part of the universe. I am also God. The devotion teaches us to let go off "I" that is main cause of stress and conflict in the personal and professional life.

Architecture: Most ancient temples have magnificent architecture that have scientific as well as spiritual significance. The scientific meaning of the temple architecture is associated with the scientific construction that includes the decor, angles, lights, the environment and the other things.

The common features of the temples are:
1. Central sanctum enshrines for the main deity
2. Secondary sanctums are for other deities such as Ganesha, Nandi and so on...
3. The space for the trained priest to perform rituals
4. The space in-front of the main deity is for devotees to stand/sit to worship or attend the Arti
5. The outside areas  either within the temple premises or outside the temple premises meant for public for attending social functions or discourse
6. There is additional space for devotees for pradkshana or parikrama or walk around the garbha graham or main section of the temple, but this is within the premises/external boundaries of the temple.

Pradaksihina or Parikrama: The reasons behind pradkshana is - we consider god is center part of our action, our thought and our world. When we go around, we keep the deity at the center of the gravity and consider it as the main focus of our existence. This concept usually helps devotees to consider to take life as it comes or consider this is devoted to the god /universe and we all are part of it. This is one of the ways to keep our mind balanced and peaceful by removing the focus from 'self' or 'I'.

The role Temples in Society: Temples, in general, played a larger role in the society that provided educational, social support in addition to providing them an emotional, and a spiritual support. Most temples in ancient India were also served as educational institutes or gurukul and the center for social gathering in the evening. The additional space within the temple is provided to people to held social rituals and ceremonies. The spiritual guru used the same space to give the discourse that taught most to stay away from materialistic, physical or emotional vices. The environment also helped to inculcate the basic virtue through friendship, forgiveness, humility, tolerance, courage, guidance and more...thus improving overall improvement.

Don't glorify suicide; just glorify heroism

Glorifying the Suicide: It is tragic loss of life when ‪#‎PratyushaBanerjee‬ made a decision (or pushed into). However, she was responsible for it when other options were also available to her. Instead of fighting, she chose to flight...This is not a decision that can be rectified once made. Life is precious, god given and expected to make it meaningful. 

Friends and family knew (who are now talking on TV) are equally responsible along with her boyfriend as they could have provided better support system for her to get out of bad relationship. I wonder if the 'false ego' or 'extreme pride' makes a person inhumane that teaches to boost only success and avoid talking about issues/failures, then it is useless. We are failing to create the support system for our close friends and family to confide their fears, failure, issues in their lives. 

Respect the Life...this message would be more appropriate than glorifying the suicide. Otherwise, nonsense 24/7 senseless coverage would do more harm to the society than good to encourage a weak person to take such route. 

Although Hema Malini said correctly, "One must come out of odds & emerge successfully, not succumb under pressure. The world admire fighter, not loser", her last part was bit harsh as none knew the reality what a person went through to take such drastic decision. But, definitely she is right on - Be A Fighter.

Every person faces 'ups and downs' in life and we learn from public figure how they face the setbacks gracefully and emerge as winner. I remember Amitabh Bacchan's interview with Simi Garewal where he was talking about transition from superhero to character role and his life before 'kaun banega crorepati' and they way he narrated was so humbling, intense and inspiring. This teaches how successful people face the downfall and rise again in their life...

When we learn how to become successful, why we forget to learn how to face setbacks...

Fight, don't Flight...

#life #suicide #love #career #fight #inspiration #success 

Poems inspired by - Second Spring: Sandhya Jane

#secondSpring  #bestseller #contemporaryromance #lovestory #SandhyaJane  #romance #Poem, #poetry #novel #book #life #love #longing #inspiration

Second Spring - A Review

Sandhya Jane’s debut novel ‘A Second Spring … brings new hope’ reminded me of some novels by Indian women writers that I have read in the recent past. It also raised in my mind the same questions as contemporary women-centric works bring to the fore. Which is not to say ‘A Second Spring’ has been done before. It enjoys its own story-line and characters. Yet, it fits into the thematic mould of modern Indian women's writing rather well.

Avantika is a doting single mother and a successful investment banker, juggling her two roles with determination and discipline. Her confidence awes her colleagues and even more her juniors; Rohan, the attractive and smart aspiring banker, being no exception. Except, the handsome Rohan catches Avantika’s fancy in return too. The story proceeds as dual narrations alternating between Avantika’s thoughts and Rohan’s; their individual struggles with the idea of unconventional love yet their slowly growing dependence on and attraction for each other. Fate and free will both play a role in shaping their lives and easing the story onwards. Both protagonists speak directly to the readers throughout the book, spread over many years of their lives, but by the end of the novel the reins of the story are entirely in Avantika’s hands. Her ideas come to occupy centre-stage, eventually leading to the book's pleasantly surprising end and painting the aforementioned themes of women-centric novels in mature hues. Even though the blurb plays spoil sport by laying bare the whole story of ‘A Second Spring’, this review promises to say no more about the story.

The contemporary relevance of ‘A Second Spring’ lies in the issues that the book deals with. Marital troubles, single mothers, working professionals, younger lovers, tough decisions, opinions, power struggle between the sexes and how the presence of children defines and gives difficult dimensions to unconventional love affairs. 

The appeal of the book lies in the character of Avantika – the way she has been created and the manner in which her thoughts and mental conflicts are portrayed, in her own voice and through Rohan’s narrations. What is also charming is the unhurried pace at which this love story progresses, especially in Part I of the book. That both the protagonists speak directly to the readers keeps the readers involved, often feeling like confidants into their secrets. 

Avantika – the characterisation

The first predominant image of Avantika is of a mother who ‘wasn’t sure how I was going to manage carrying a child on my shoulder, three bags, and a travel mug of chai, but somehow I managed. I always did’. Strains of motherhood dot this working woman’s workaday as we see her chairing board meetings and rocking her son to sleep with equal ease. She does manage, knowing ‘small things counted big time’ with ‘the only man in my life’, Aarav, her son. 

Sandhya managed to create a calm and complete life for Avantika, up until Avantika develops feelings of concern (and more) for another man, Rohan. Reality dawns – ‘At my age, at that time and level of success, one tended to fool oneself into believing that one had outgrown the need for admiration and excitement’. Being a woman who took risks but always on her own terms, dreams of unhindered love are always qualified with restraint. In the meantime, the fire is burning as brightly for the ‘boss-lady’ in Rohan’s six-years-younger heart, whose ‘basic innocence that people like me had lost along the way’ makes Avantika realize a part of herself which no longer exists. In keeping with everything about her, it is Avantika who opens her arms to Rohan, literally, in a scene beautifully rendered and expressed as ‘it was a bit awkward, but it felt so good, like this was just how it was meant to be’. Avantika makes the first move. 

Each chapter gives voice to the conflict that is tearing at the unconfessed lovers’ insides. While Avantika’s somewhat maternal love for Rohan occupies her existence, to the extent of putting her time for her son at stake, Rohan cannot keep the thoughts of his conservative family away from his unconventional love story and though he ‘loved her too … (but) was confused by her’.

The maturity with which Sandhya has created Avantika make her doubts and dealings extremely real – ‘Soon, he would have no time for me. I could see the lonely road ahead of me’ – she muses, with age, marital status and professional success in life throwing up barriers to what she saw as wanton lust but knew as affection like never felt before. But her strength of character rules when things go amiss. ‘I had no intentions of waking down that path again just because the great man had had a change of heart’, and all feelings are sent into ‘deep freeze’ when Rohan walks out of the scene. Avantika is a thinking woman, and a doer too. 

Interestingly, this is where Part II begins, and this is the exact point where we see Avantika maturing up into a content woman, in touch with herself and one who has come to terms with the reality, albeit many miles from Mumbai, in a foreign country. Some beautiful scenes of contemplation, as one spring leads to another and Aarav grows up, offer us peeps into this woman’s evolving mind, still a mother first. She is alone, but not lonely, living in a community where ‘those sweet little homes looked happy to me – the very embodiment of family life. At least, this was the closest I came to it.’ Her child is a constant presence in her life, as are her studies, a friend who is ‘a sounding board for my deepest thoughts’, meditation and spiritual writing. 

And Rohan? Reconciliation has seeped in with his absence, and so has belief in destiny, a destiny which throws up another surprise her way. This time however, Avantika is far from what she left behind. ‘Do I need to forgive him? Do I need to accept him?’ You need to read to find out what happens, but I’ll leave you with these last words of a wonderfully created character and who makes an excellent life-choice in the end – 

‘These days, the highs and lows of life don’t get to me and I wonder if it’s acceptance or just indifference. Either way, I don’t get too involved in things beyond my control and that includes people… these days, words like passion, commitment, and forever sound strange to me.’

I couldn’t help but wonder how much of Sandhya’s own life’s philosophy has been used to create Avantika. It has to be the author baring her own mind through her character’s. The portrayal is so straight-from-the-heart that it cannot be any other way. Or can it? That the language has been kept simple and conversational, and devoid of heavy philosophy and lyricism that love stories are wont to have make it seem as if Sandhya knows these two people, for real.   

Slow unfolding – the pace

Sandhya did remarkably well in keeping the pace of ‘A Second Spring’ slow. Also, there is no noise of too many characters. How else would the thoughts of the two main characters occupy prominence and keep the reader listening, attentively? Avantika and Rohan’s love is not in a hurry, and the plot unfolds in tune with that speed. Part I shows us their connection building in strength, slowly but steadily. From ‘strange chemistry’ to ‘living in his company, unknowingly’; from entering a pub after six years to finally catching herself opening her hotel door to him in her nightdress, this book is as much Love’s story of growth as it is a love story. Of course, ‘the power struggle is an inevitable aspect of the man-woman relationship’ and so while I insist on calling it ‘love’, the story is a sweet, romantic rendition of the former too. 

In Part II, even though the linear narrative often skips many years together, the plot’s crests and troughs are kept limited to the central theme of the book; although by now we are more interested in Avantika’s story and Rohan calmly recedes to the background.

Ifs and buts

Of course, there are some. For instance, why has Sandhya felt obliged to explain every Hindi term in parenthesis right in the middle of the narrative? I thought it was unnecessary and also successful in breaking the reading flow. A glossary at the back of the book would have done just fine!

Then, at some points near the end of the book I realized how the readers are still being introduced to characters’ traits through the two narrations. It was not just late in the day but also  not required, because by then we knew Avantika and Rohan like the back of our hands. After all, it had been them talking about each other throughout the book.

Rhea’s reality (read to know more) was an unnecessary thread and I so wished Aarav, at the end of the book, got a chapter to voice his life. That would have been a fitting way to see a mature mother’s hard work in flesh-and-bones. Maybe, in a sequel to the book? 

Conclusion

‘A Second Spring’ is a tale about love with two protagonists but only one who manages to leave a mark in our thoughts. The book is how the story unfolds around her musing – ‘Thank God for normalcy. Thank God for family. I didn’t need anyone else, did I?’ and how she realizes that she does need someone only to re-examine her own decision, yet again. Overriding it all is ‘my sense of survival’ and a fantastic end which comes like a ‘Pleasant shock; joyous, explosive, unbridled’ making you wonder why the subtitle reads ‘It’s all about destiny’. (Please note that this sub-title is removed in second edition). Because this book is more about a mature woman’s bold, brave and wise decision-making ability rather than the fickleness of Fate alone. 

An easy and enjoyable read for lovers of this genre.

A Second Spring...Brings New Hope - Review by Sakshi Nanda

#Asecondspring #asecondspringbringsnewhope #sandhyajane #lovestory #contemporaryromance #corporatelovestory #urbanlife #books #newrelease

#sandhyajane #secondspring #book #bestseller #life #novel #contemporaryroamnce #poetry #new-release #lovestory #breakup #longing #loss #grief #inspiration #meaningoflife #unconditionallove #mustread #AnthonyDoerr #PaulaHawkins #JohnGrisham #NicholasSparks #Stephen King #DavidBaldacci #MarkGreaney #LaurenGroff 

poem - inspired by 'A Second Spring'

मेरा होना तेरे होने का हासिल
तेरे होने में ही मुश्किल बड़ी है
तसव्वुर में ख़ुशी पाने की आदत
बड़ी बेकार ये आदत पड़ी है
जुदा वक्त ने तुझसे कर दिया,
पर हमारे बीच लम्हों की लड़ी है
ख्यालों में तुम्हारा अक्स जैसे
कोई उम्मीद आँखों में जड़ी है
हमारे और उसके दरमियाँ अब
ख़मोशी ही फ़क़त साझा कड़ी है

@nandita tiwari shared these beautiful lines for Avantika, a lead character in my novel....

she is currently reading my novel - A Second Spring...Brings New Hope

Dealing with "Break-up"...

After a break-up, dealing with the grief is one of the most complicated yet common problems among people in all age groups. 

Prolonged and untreated grief is becoming one of the major health issues in the modern society. Lead researcher Richard Bryant, a professor of psychology at the University of New South Wales in Sydney, Australia said, "Prolonged grief disorder is a big public health issue." Sometimes, prolonged grief and depression leads to inability to perform daily activities and, in worst cases, it can lead to death directly or indirectly. In extreme cases, this grief turns out be fatal. Recently, there was news about a couple, who were married for 73 years and died within 48 hours of each other. 

In Indian culture, with the loss of the joint family system as well as personal interaction with friends and family members, society is losing the strong emotional support system that once did wonders to bring the grieving person back into normal life. Thus, falling out of love and the grieving process have become more complicated.

Although professional counselling and therapy facilities are available, it is unreachable to most as it is either expensive or generic in nature.

Grief resulting from a break-up usually takes more recovery time compared to other emotional or financial loss (loss of home/job/friends...).

Check out some of the following grief-related symptoms:

- You dream or think of the person for more than half the time you are awake.

- You read or see your beloved's letters or pictures or in some form; you mostly remain in the past.

- You lose interest in other things or goals in life; for example, your career and food. At large in your life, everything looks meaningless

You must seek help if these symptoms start getting worse.... feeling numb, unable to trust others, or in the worst case, unable to perform daily activities. 

In most cases, you can develop your own fallback process by doing some of the following by yourself.

Initial process:

- Initially, talk to a trusted one about lost person, relationship, and memories. But, later, avoid talking about the person completely. 

Blank out:

- Avoid the person in all forms - personal interaction, visiting their accounts over the networking sites about updates, talking to common friends, reading their letters/mails, or checking out pictures.

- Take a regular walk: 

This is beneficial not only for your health, but also to cure depression, loneliness, and sadness

Life - Goal and Meaning:

- Start writing what are your goals in your life.

- Write your goals and add a timeline to it (write a book, attend school for a higher degree, or go trekking/camping, or develop a hobby).

These new activities not only keep you away from painful memories of the person, but also help you meet new friends to talk about yourself and your achievements. This is very important to bring back your lost self-esteem if you have faced rejection.

- Review your goal with someone senior, a trusted person, or validate it by carrying out in-depth research.

- One rejection won't make you worth less; in-fact, you should go beyond that "idiot's" imagination and show "who is the loser."

Worth of the person: 

- Write down all the people in your life who helped you through thick and thin and compare if "the lost person" did anything close to your expectations.

Count your blessings: 

- Meet people who are less fortunate and help them. There is no joy bigger than seeing a smile on another's face because of you. Go and visit plenty of such places and spend time in bringing some smiles on less fortunate ones...that happiness will help you restore your lost "self-worth," if any. 

Accept your Life:

-  Believe that there is always better waiting for you. This is a belief of "some way God is protecting you" and wanting to give you more or better... Gita says, "Whatever happens, happens for good." It works.

Accept your Destiny:

- Above all, trust you destiny. This simple thought will help you cope with your loss. This teaches you to "accept life as it comes." Scientifically, when you are dealing with grief, the process will start from rejection, anger, negotiation, and acceptance. Hindu philosophy has nicely described this in Gita to live a satisfied life by accepting destiny. Life, without someone, is never incomplete. It is always you who decides how to complete and complement with or without a person.

When you focus on your life and life-goals, your "loss" eventually seems too immaterial to care about. You will find inspiring goals and the thoughts of achieving those goals will give you a "kick" to your brain.

No person in your life is larger than "you." For you and your life, ONLY you will matter eventually.

Please remember that everyone takes different time to heal, depending on the relationship, involvement, and grieving person's emotional status. 

Another important suggestions is - don't break-up over silly reasons because - 

"No one is perfect and no relationship is flawless." 

You will end up wasting time in finding the new "right partner" and establishing the relationship every time...life is too short for this.

Treating equal pain and pleasure, gain and loss, victory and defeat, thus engage yourself in the battle and you will incur no sin.

Or

Battle for the sake of battle.

Loss does not depress, Victory does not exhilarate… 

and a new battle begins in the life ...

(Ref:
1. Bhagavad Gita 

2. http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

3. http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm)

#breakup #heartbreak #love #life #sandhyajane

© Copyright 2012-14 Sandhya Jane