A life of NRI (non resident Indian) spouse: Opportunities and Challenges

This blog I wrote after I watched Tanu Weds Manu Returns....the movie projected a lonely life of lady who married to NRI so realistically...

Living in London or New York or Sydney isn't all that rosy or what you see in the movie....NRIs, especially their spouses face lonely life abroad which is a fact unfortunately. Many women find it difficult especially those who grew up in joint family system or large friends circle or busy social life in India...

All that glitter is not gold...the life outside India is full of uncertainty as jobs, visa and lack of supports makes it more stressful. During initial days, most have to go through visa hassles and obtaining their permanent residency status that may take up to 7-10 years depends on the country they live in and the category of labor applications.

So the key is - how to cope up with lonely life during initial days of marriage when you have not started your family. Here are few tips for you to make it better and brighter –

Professional Education: If you wish to pursue your career and you need specialized or professional education, you can plan for the same. It would be best investment at early stage to jumpstart to your professional career. This planning must be done before you plan for your kid(s) as it would be extremely difficult, but not impossible to continue with additional responsibilities. A dependent spouse can study part time in university by taking 6 credit hours (2 classes) per semester without having to change the visa in most countries. If you could take average 6-7 classes in 4 semester, you can complete your master’s degree within two years.

Take up a Job: If the local government permits you to work, you can take up a job. The most common website for this is 'indeed.com'. All you need to do it is - enter job/role and location, it will fetch the data from relevant websites and compile the results for you. You can register for the job alerts using by providing by signing up on indeed.

Increase Your Social Life: This is bit tricky as bigger social life may not always result into happiness, so try and find like minded friends to form an active social circle.  The easy way to do is to become a member of Facebook group, meet-up group or what’s up group to find your interest group with whom you can meet occasionally to socialize for different reasons.

Craigslist is quite popular in USA for finding activity partners...

Most of the major cities in the world have Indian diaspora that arranges festival or gathering on Diwali, Navratri, Durga Puja, Holi and so on...

Holy Celebration on Hong Kong Beach

Hobby: If you are not serious about your career or wish to start something different, try to check if you can get back to your hobby that you always wanted to pursue. It will keep you busy and happy. If you are really passionate about it, you can earn money through your hobby by selling your creations such as knitwear, pottery, paintings and freelance writing.

Another form of hobbies are attending paining exhibitions, operas and concerts in your city. 

Taiwan Eye, famous Opera Theater in Taiwan

Activity: The adventurous activities not only help you to boost your mood, but also help you stay fit. There are many social clubs or meetup groups or Facebook groups who arrange hiking, trekking, surfing or sailings. You need not worry about buying a boat as you can hire it at reasonable cost.

The types of activities are barbecues parties over the weekend with friends and family...

Most of these activities are suitable for kids. You may involve and introduce these activities to your kids at early age to generate an interest. This would be nice way to connect family members well over the weekends. 

Famous Treks in Hong Kong

Barbecue over the weekend in Tai Tam Dam

Internet TV: First thing you need to do is check if your TV package is 'good' for you. Nothing can substitute TV programs to fill-in your time. There are many internet TV service providers who offer annual subscription at competitive price. They include Indian as well as global TV channels. Most of these TV channels have 'movies' sections that offer excellent collections.

You can complement that with google or other internet shopping for movies and other things...

Reading: Most of the cities have city library for free or membership in affordable cost. You can spend time, to read, to discuss the topics or to make friends something that makes you happy...or join reading club to keep yourself content.

Connecting with your family: These days international calls are cheaper or free due to 'what's up' and free skype, but, remember that not everyone in India is free to chat endlessly over the phone as they too have their own life/commitments...so don't be offended if your friends or family members are not available to chat with you.

Social Work: There are plenty of social or community work options available. You can volunteer to keep yourself occupied in meaningful way. Many communities have annual program planned and mentioned in their office. Sometime you may not be able participate on regular basis. You can check them out as it would provide you an option to regular participations. 

Hanuman Carnival - Community program in Hong Kong

Spouse and his role: You can’t bother your bother for your loneliness as he/she would be much more stressed with job and visa related issues...allow your spouse to work/live peacefully... 

There could be more on your plate at home in absence of maid or helper as you may have to do the daily chores. You may be able to hire part time or weekend basis in US, UK or Australia, but their services are very expensive, except in Hong Kong, Singapore and middle east...where you have an option for live-in helpers at affordable cost. 

So, be prepared to face all the reality abroad and create your own world...Life is what you make it. 

International Women's Day: Role, Responsibility and Realization

On this Women's Day, I salute my mother and all those other women who silently and selflessly work for the betterment of their families, and in effect the society. In their endeavour to help their spouses and kids, they often surrender their own identity. This, mind you, is one of the biggest sacrifices made by countless women across the globe.

Having said that, I am often reminded of a favourite topic from the 1980s and 1990s urban India: Women’s Lib.

A few days ago while again thinking about that subject, some questions criss-crossed my mind. In the name of that “liberation” (real or a derived one) are we actually losing out on something bigger? Doesn’t that freedom also entail a strong sense of “responsibility”? What about the larger consequences for the institutions of family and society?

These questions are tricky and their answers manifold.

Actually social changes are so tedious that sometime it takes decades before they even manifest themselves for better or for worse. Therefore, the latent benefits of traditional values are neither understood nor appreciated by most of us.

The “Hum do, humare do” (We two, ours two), or these days “We two ours, one” family culture, together with the economic independence achieved by women have added that strong sense of individualism to the modern society, especially in the urban scenario. Thus, making modern women (and men) feel oppressed when sharing home with their parents, in-laws or other elders of the family. These days, a joint family may just include parents of either spouse or both. For instance, in Mainland China, the government’s ‘One Child Policy’ has resulted in parents of both spouses often sharing a home together!

In India, lack of presence of elders at home is leading to depletion of age-old knowledge and wisdom among youngsters that has conventionally been passed one generation to the next. As a consequence, we have been very slow in realizing the value-based upbringing that present day kids have been missing out. In fact, tradition is actually the backbone that has kept our culture alive for centuries in the Indian family system.

Interestingly, compared to several other ancient civilizations, the Hindu civilization has managed to retain its continuity over the past several millenia. According to Indian politician and economist Subramanian Swamy, the Hindu civilization is among the 46 ancient civilizations listed by the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO). While 45 other civilizations have disappeared, the Hindu civilization is the only one that has survived. The traditional family system has played a key role in helping Hindus retain their culture and tradition despite 800 years of Islamic rule and 200 years of Christian rule under the British East India Company.

Some of us may like to argue about availability of plenty of knowledge in other different modes; but I personally feel that valuable time could be lost just trying to 'judge' the relevance of that information.

The impact is being felt not only in India, but most part of the globe. The Time magazine’s recent cover story ‘I, Me & Myself’ makes for an interesting read.

The young minds today are swayed by popular media that essentially promotes this 'I, me and myself' culture, which is neither good for individuals, families or the society; of course the same isn't good for a nation too. It only serves to foster an increased sense of greed and lack of empathy, which lead towards a highly materialistic yet empty lifestyle, with possibly negative impact on both personal and professional lives of individuals.

So is there is a real need for us to revisit traditional value systems, including the joint family, as they may have a hugely positive impact on youngsters. If such arrangement isn’t feasible, we can make up for that through simple acts such as celebrating festivals together or taking family vacations.

While letting go of that 'deceived sense of freedom', let us think of our children and their future so that they learn the basic value of life such as ethics, love and sacrifice, ultimately, learning to lead a contended and peaceful life.

It may sound somewhat primitive, but it doesn’t take a lot to ponder over the benefits of imbibing centuries old wisdom.

Second Spring - review

Here is the review of Second Spring by Shweta Kesari 
The end was not how I supposed it to be,but it is the way it has to be.Authoress has done a great job while knitting the plot.Her straightforward views let readers think sharply and her candid note on life would let readers realize how things take a turn nowadays.But obvious, with a change in time,stories has changed, and also the way human reacts, but to know who is the one to hold your hand till eternity is the vital decision to lead a happy life. I quite appreciate the note this story ended on.The story succeeded in showing readers a new facet to life.Through the protagonist Avantika, authoress brings a message for readers that it is easy to flow in the whirlwind of emotion , but hard to take a wise decision at the proper time.
A book which has more than a story to serve to readers.

Rating : 4.1/5

Reviewer : Shweta Kesari

Second Spring

To read it further - /http://madhyapradesh.johntext.de/review-of-second-spring/

#sandhyajane #secondspring #book #bestseller #life #novel #contemporaryroamnce #poetry #new-release #lovestory #breakup #longing #loss #grief #inspiration #meaningoflife #unconditionallove #mustread #AnthonyDoerr #PaulaHawkins #JohnGrisham #NicholasSparks #Stephen King #DavidBaldacci #MarkGreaney #LaurenGroff 

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Second Spring - A Review

Sandhya Jane’s debut novel ‘A Second Spring … brings new hope’ reminded me of some novels by Indian women writers that I have read in the recent past. It also raised in my mind the same questions as contemporary women-centric works bring to the fore. Which is not to say ‘A Second Spring’ has been done before. It enjoys its own story-line and characters. Yet, it fits into the thematic mould of modern Indian women's writing rather well.

Avantika is a doting single mother and a successful investment banker, juggling her two roles with determination and discipline. Her confidence awes her colleagues and even more her juniors; Rohan, the attractive and smart aspiring banker, being no exception. Except, the handsome Rohan catches Avantika’s fancy in return too. The story proceeds as dual narrations alternating between Avantika’s thoughts and Rohan’s; their individual struggles with the idea of unconventional love yet their slowly growing dependence on and attraction for each other. Fate and free will both play a role in shaping their lives and easing the story onwards. Both protagonists speak directly to the readers throughout the book, spread over many years of their lives, but by the end of the novel the reins of the story are entirely in Avantika’s hands. Her ideas come to occupy centre-stage, eventually leading to the book's pleasantly surprising end and painting the aforementioned themes of women-centric novels in mature hues. Even though the blurb plays spoil sport by laying bare the whole story of ‘A Second Spring’, this review promises to say no more about the story.

The contemporary relevance of ‘A Second Spring’ lies in the issues that the book deals with. Marital troubles, single mothers, working professionals, younger lovers, tough decisions, opinions, power struggle between the sexes and how the presence of children defines and gives difficult dimensions to unconventional love affairs. 

The appeal of the book lies in the character of Avantika – the way she has been created and the manner in which her thoughts and mental conflicts are portrayed, in her own voice and through Rohan’s narrations. What is also charming is the unhurried pace at which this love story progresses, especially in Part I of the book. That both the protagonists speak directly to the readers keeps the readers involved, often feeling like confidants into their secrets. 

Avantika – the characterisation

The first predominant image of Avantika is of a mother who ‘wasn’t sure how I was going to manage carrying a child on my shoulder, three bags, and a travel mug of chai, but somehow I managed. I always did’. Strains of motherhood dot this working woman’s workaday as we see her chairing board meetings and rocking her son to sleep with equal ease. She does manage, knowing ‘small things counted big time’ with ‘the only man in my life’, Aarav, her son. 

Sandhya managed to create a calm and complete life for Avantika, up until Avantika develops feelings of concern (and more) for another man, Rohan. Reality dawns – ‘At my age, at that time and level of success, one tended to fool oneself into believing that one had outgrown the need for admiration and excitement’. Being a woman who took risks but always on her own terms, dreams of unhindered love are always qualified with restraint. In the meantime, the fire is burning as brightly for the ‘boss-lady’ in Rohan’s six-years-younger heart, whose ‘basic innocence that people like me had lost along the way’ makes Avantika realize a part of herself which no longer exists. In keeping with everything about her, it is Avantika who opens her arms to Rohan, literally, in a scene beautifully rendered and expressed as ‘it was a bit awkward, but it felt so good, like this was just how it was meant to be’. Avantika makes the first move. 

Each chapter gives voice to the conflict that is tearing at the unconfessed lovers’ insides. While Avantika’s somewhat maternal love for Rohan occupies her existence, to the extent of putting her time for her son at stake, Rohan cannot keep the thoughts of his conservative family away from his unconventional love story and though he ‘loved her too … (but) was confused by her’.

The maturity with which Sandhya has created Avantika make her doubts and dealings extremely real – ‘Soon, he would have no time for me. I could see the lonely road ahead of me’ – she muses, with age, marital status and professional success in life throwing up barriers to what she saw as wanton lust but knew as affection like never felt before. But her strength of character rules when things go amiss. ‘I had no intentions of waking down that path again just because the great man had had a change of heart’, and all feelings are sent into ‘deep freeze’ when Rohan walks out of the scene. Avantika is a thinking woman, and a doer too. 

Interestingly, this is where Part II begins, and this is the exact point where we see Avantika maturing up into a content woman, in touch with herself and one who has come to terms with the reality, albeit many miles from Mumbai, in a foreign country. Some beautiful scenes of contemplation, as one spring leads to another and Aarav grows up, offer us peeps into this woman’s evolving mind, still a mother first. She is alone, but not lonely, living in a community where ‘those sweet little homes looked happy to me – the very embodiment of family life. At least, this was the closest I came to it.’ Her child is a constant presence in her life, as are her studies, a friend who is ‘a sounding board for my deepest thoughts’, meditation and spiritual writing. 

And Rohan? Reconciliation has seeped in with his absence, and so has belief in destiny, a destiny which throws up another surprise her way. This time however, Avantika is far from what she left behind. ‘Do I need to forgive him? Do I need to accept him?’ You need to read to find out what happens, but I’ll leave you with these last words of a wonderfully created character and who makes an excellent life-choice in the end – 

‘These days, the highs and lows of life don’t get to me and I wonder if it’s acceptance or just indifference. Either way, I don’t get too involved in things beyond my control and that includes people… these days, words like passion, commitment, and forever sound strange to me.’

I couldn’t help but wonder how much of Sandhya’s own life’s philosophy has been used to create Avantika. It has to be the author baring her own mind through her character’s. The portrayal is so straight-from-the-heart that it cannot be any other way. Or can it? That the language has been kept simple and conversational, and devoid of heavy philosophy and lyricism that love stories are wont to have make it seem as if Sandhya knows these two people, for real.   

Slow unfolding – the pace

Sandhya did remarkably well in keeping the pace of ‘A Second Spring’ slow. Also, there is no noise of too many characters. How else would the thoughts of the two main characters occupy prominence and keep the reader listening, attentively? Avantika and Rohan’s love is not in a hurry, and the plot unfolds in tune with that speed. Part I shows us their connection building in strength, slowly but steadily. From ‘strange chemistry’ to ‘living in his company, unknowingly’; from entering a pub after six years to finally catching herself opening her hotel door to him in her nightdress, this book is as much Love’s story of growth as it is a love story. Of course, ‘the power struggle is an inevitable aspect of the man-woman relationship’ and so while I insist on calling it ‘love’, the story is a sweet, romantic rendition of the former too. 

In Part II, even though the linear narrative often skips many years together, the plot’s crests and troughs are kept limited to the central theme of the book; although by now we are more interested in Avantika’s story and Rohan calmly recedes to the background.

Ifs and buts

Of course, there are some. For instance, why has Sandhya felt obliged to explain every Hindi term in parenthesis right in the middle of the narrative? I thought it was unnecessary and also successful in breaking the reading flow. A glossary at the back of the book would have done just fine!

Then, at some points near the end of the book I realized how the readers are still being introduced to characters’ traits through the two narrations. It was not just late in the day but also  not required, because by then we knew Avantika and Rohan like the back of our hands. After all, it had been them talking about each other throughout the book.

Rhea’s reality (read to know more) was an unnecessary thread and I so wished Aarav, at the end of the book, got a chapter to voice his life. That would have been a fitting way to see a mature mother’s hard work in flesh-and-bones. Maybe, in a sequel to the book? 

Conclusion

‘A Second Spring’ is a tale about love with two protagonists but only one who manages to leave a mark in our thoughts. The book is how the story unfolds around her musing – ‘Thank God for normalcy. Thank God for family. I didn’t need anyone else, did I?’ and how she realizes that she does need someone only to re-examine her own decision, yet again. Overriding it all is ‘my sense of survival’ and a fantastic end which comes like a ‘Pleasant shock; joyous, explosive, unbridled’ making you wonder why the subtitle reads ‘It’s all about destiny’. (Please note that this sub-title is removed in second edition). Because this book is more about a mature woman’s bold, brave and wise decision-making ability rather than the fickleness of Fate alone. 

An easy and enjoyable read for lovers of this genre.

A Second Spring...Brings New Hope - Review by Sakshi Nanda

#Asecondspring #asecondspringbringsnewhope #sandhyajane #lovestory #contemporaryromance #corporatelovestory #urbanlife #books #newrelease

#sandhyajane #secondspring #book #bestseller #life #novel #contemporaryroamnce #poetry #new-release #lovestory #breakup #longing #loss #grief #inspiration #meaningoflife #unconditionallove #mustread #AnthonyDoerr #PaulaHawkins #JohnGrisham #NicholasSparks #Stephen King #DavidBaldacci #MarkGreaney #LaurenGroff 

Dealing with "Break-up"...

After a break-up, dealing with the grief is one of the most complicated yet common problems among people in all age groups. 

Prolonged and untreated grief is becoming one of the major health issues in the modern society. Lead researcher Richard Bryant, a professor of psychology at the University of New South Wales in Sydney, Australia said, "Prolonged grief disorder is a big public health issue." Sometimes, prolonged grief and depression leads to inability to perform daily activities and, in worst cases, it can lead to death directly or indirectly. In extreme cases, this grief turns out be fatal. Recently, there was news about a couple, who were married for 73 years and died within 48 hours of each other. 

In Indian culture, with the loss of the joint family system as well as personal interaction with friends and family members, society is losing the strong emotional support system that once did wonders to bring the grieving person back into normal life. Thus, falling out of love and the grieving process have become more complicated.

Although professional counselling and therapy facilities are available, it is unreachable to most as it is either expensive or generic in nature.

Grief resulting from a break-up usually takes more recovery time compared to other emotional or financial loss (loss of home/job/friends...).

Check out some of the following grief-related symptoms:

- You dream or think of the person for more than half the time you are awake.

- You read or see your beloved's letters or pictures or in some form; you mostly remain in the past.

- You lose interest in other things or goals in life; for example, your career and food. At large in your life, everything looks meaningless

You must seek help if these symptoms start getting worse.... feeling numb, unable to trust others, or in the worst case, unable to perform daily activities. 

In most cases, you can develop your own fallback process by doing some of the following by yourself.

Initial process:

- Initially, talk to a trusted one about lost person, relationship, and memories. But, later, avoid talking about the person completely. 

Blank out:

- Avoid the person in all forms - personal interaction, visiting their accounts over the networking sites about updates, talking to common friends, reading their letters/mails, or checking out pictures.

- Take a regular walk: 

This is beneficial not only for your health, but also to cure depression, loneliness, and sadness

Life - Goal and Meaning:

- Start writing what are your goals in your life.

- Write your goals and add a timeline to it (write a book, attend school for a higher degree, or go trekking/camping, or develop a hobby).

These new activities not only keep you away from painful memories of the person, but also help you meet new friends to talk about yourself and your achievements. This is very important to bring back your lost self-esteem if you have faced rejection.

- Review your goal with someone senior, a trusted person, or validate it by carrying out in-depth research.

- One rejection won't make you worth less; in-fact, you should go beyond that "idiot's" imagination and show "who is the loser."

Worth of the person: 

- Write down all the people in your life who helped you through thick and thin and compare if "the lost person" did anything close to your expectations.

Count your blessings: 

- Meet people who are less fortunate and help them. There is no joy bigger than seeing a smile on another's face because of you. Go and visit plenty of such places and spend time in bringing some smiles on less fortunate ones...that happiness will help you restore your lost "self-worth," if any. 

Accept your Life:

-  Believe that there is always better waiting for you. This is a belief of "some way God is protecting you" and wanting to give you more or better... Gita says, "Whatever happens, happens for good." It works.

Accept your Destiny:

- Above all, trust you destiny. This simple thought will help you cope with your loss. This teaches you to "accept life as it comes." Scientifically, when you are dealing with grief, the process will start from rejection, anger, negotiation, and acceptance. Hindu philosophy has nicely described this in Gita to live a satisfied life by accepting destiny. Life, without someone, is never incomplete. It is always you who decides how to complete and complement with or without a person.

When you focus on your life and life-goals, your "loss" eventually seems too immaterial to care about. You will find inspiring goals and the thoughts of achieving those goals will give you a "kick" to your brain.

No person in your life is larger than "you." For you and your life, ONLY you will matter eventually.

Please remember that everyone takes different time to heal, depending on the relationship, involvement, and grieving person's emotional status. 

Another important suggestions is - don't break-up over silly reasons because - 

"No one is perfect and no relationship is flawless." 

You will end up wasting time in finding the new "right partner" and establishing the relationship every time...life is too short for this.

Treating equal pain and pleasure, gain and loss, victory and defeat, thus engage yourself in the battle and you will incur no sin.

Or

Battle for the sake of battle.

Loss does not depress, Victory does not exhilarate… 

and a new battle begins in the life ...

(Ref:
1. Bhagavad Gita 

2. http://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

3. http://www.helpguide.org/articles/family-divorce/coping-with-a-breakup-or-divorce.htm)

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